I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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