I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Randomize
