Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
