i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
