I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
