My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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