glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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