there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize