the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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