wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
