I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
