Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
