I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
