I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize