3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
