Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize