ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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