You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
