just survived the first fart of the relationship.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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