3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
