I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
