The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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