shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
