glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
