Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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