for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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