I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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