My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
