It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
