Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Im part way to drunk.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
