I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
