I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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