at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
