There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
