Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
COCAINE IS GR8
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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