he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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