I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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