My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
