I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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