I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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