Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
