i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
