Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My ass is underappreciated
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
