FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
