i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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