You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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