My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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