I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
