Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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