So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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