My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
