my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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