he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Someone came in the potted fern
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
