remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
