I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
wanna go halves on a baby?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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