capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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