Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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