saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
