You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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