apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
