I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
