So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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