Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
