i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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