We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
