Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
