i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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