Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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